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“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”
― Jarod Kintz,
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“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?”
― Jarod Kintz
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown
"If a woman gets breakfast in bed, it means she is in the hospital!"
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.”
― Jarod Kintz?m136
Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. - Lawrence J. Peter